You Should Be Watching: All About Anime

There you go Astro Turf! (sorry if you don't get this joke... And sorry if you do.)

If there's one thing the youth of today is known for, it's probably their self-entitlement issues and texting and ignorance. But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about their overnight outbreak of the Otaku Virus in 2013 thanks to the success of Attack On Titan, a moderately clever show. Its success was probably due to the fact that it explores themes relating to relevant American issues, like the tragedies of war and Spider-Man-esque webslinging devices. Of course we loved it! I say "we" in the general sense, the show is a bit too one-note for me. Than again, the same could be said about a certain other show with one Note, (well, to start out with. I'm not even sure how many Notes were bopping around by the third season). I'm referring to Death Note, okay? Sorry, I'll stop trying to be cryptic.

Anyway, even though Attack on Titan didn't personally click with me, it took over the world and clicked with teenagers in particular, because the show stars a teenager, and that's something any teenager can identify with, right guys?

Still looks ten to me, though.

It was not long until the more adventurous teenagers discovered that about 90% of all anime is about them and now Otaku culture is booming.

But where was I when this all hit? I was already watching lots of anime. Mostly high-school romance comedies, because I tend to enjoy comedy more than anything else. That might explain why I get so nitpick-y about it. But you don't care about my detailed back story that will eventually get rebooted so many times it'll lose all it's flavor! I'm here to discuss a few key points about anime and help you find the right anime to watch. If you're here because you already like anime, well great, I'm not just going to pander to the uninitiated, these opinions are practically exposition-less! If you're here because you're clueless about anime, well great, I've got some handy tips for you! So let's jump into it!

~ W H Y  W E   L I K E  A N I M E ~

There's one for everyone, and if you haven't found the one for you yet... you just haven't found it. Because it's out there, believe me. To satisfy your afterlife-stuck-in-high-school-forever-sorta-religious-but-not-really-comedy-tragedy-featuring-random-rock-band-concert needs.

Yeah, about that... what genre was this supposed to be again?

The community surrounding anime is incredibly accepting and friendly*. As an illustration of this, the ongoing eternal conflict is dubs or subs. Whether to watch an anime with the original Japanese dialog but subtitled, or to watch it dubbed over with English without subtitles, but also without the original, and sometimes better, Japanese cast. Both subs and dubs are filled with hilarious typos and translation mistakes, awkward or stilted acting, and/or famous voice actors that you can recognize and appreciate. In other words, they are more or less THE SAME EXPERIENCE, (unless you can't read). If you want a flawless experience, go watch the raws. Everyone else just adapts to the limits of the era we live in. In the future, we'll all be speaking an international auxiliary language, I'm sure.

I like how it's this easily resolvable non-argument, which is ultimately a matter of preference, that is the biggest point of contention in the anime community. Who wouldn't want to join a community like that? Now of course, there are other debates to be had, but most of them are similarly up to personal taste, and as such can be easily dismissed if things get out of hand.

*DISCLAIMER: Not always, but mostly.

~  A N  E X T E N S I V E  G U I D E ~

So, it's up to you now to find your niche of anime. I've helpfully compiled a Spent-To-Much-Time-On-This Guide just for you, (it literally took three full days to write), based on the classic Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment.

For each personality type I've provided several anime television shows and movies, as well as more specific information about why I think it's right for you. The Rating is kind of like a parent's guide to the anime. I've developed my own system for the ratings. Don't worry, it's easy.

CHAN = Anyone could watch this.
KUN =  Contains slightly disturbing or suggestive material.
KOUHAI = Contains some strong language and disturbing and/or suggestive material.
SENPAI = Contains moderate amounts of strong language and disturbing and/or suggestive material.
HAKASE + Any of the below = This anime isn't a good entry anime and should be watched after some familiarity with the occasional weirdness found in anime so that you don't screw up your first time watching anime.

By the way, the reason no adult shows are included on the list, (like Hellsing or Elfen Lied), is because that's not what this list is for. Look up a different list for that.

There are two main examples for each personality type, a Drama and a Comedy. This isn't to diminish the endless subcategories of anime, but it can be argued that most shows are either one or the other, and people usually tend to lean towards one or the other, despite personality type. Oh, and, before I begin, if you want to find out what your personality type is, here. It's not completely accurate, and I wish they had more choices, but it'll do.

One final note: This list will be continually updated as I learn more about anime.

INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted or creatively out there characters, and the shows they star in offer many points of view and are focused on the emotional journeys of the characters, rather than the plot.

Name: xxxHolic
Rating: KUN
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Psychedelic
Why: You'll relate to the introverted main character, the unique and creative atmosphere of the show, and how most of the show's energy is spent on character-focused drama.

Other Drama Recommendations for INFPs: Shinigami no Ballad (Rated KUN), The Mysterious Disappearance of Haruhi Suzamiya (Rated KUN)

Name: Azumanga Daioh
Rating: KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: School
Why: You'll relate to the intuitive main character, the creative comedy of the show, and how most of the show's energy is spent on character-focused comedy.

Other Comedy Recommendations for INFPs: Tonari No Seki-kun (Rated CHAN), Bakuman (Rated HAKASE-KUN), Ouran High School Host Club (Rated KUN)


INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted or just plain nice characters, who try to help others achieve their dreams instead of stealing all the glory for themselves. The anime they star in are complex, and tend to focus on the emotions of the characters.

Name: Robotics;Notes
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Mecha
Why: You'll be along for an admittedly long but worth-the-wait ride with a robotics club that's passionate about creating a giant robot. It's a show that can be light and fun one minute, and dark and intriguing the next.

Other Drama Recommendations for INFJs: Dusk Maiden of Amnesia (Rated KOUHAI),  Samurai Champloo (Rated SENPAI), The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (Rated KUN), Mysterious Girlfriend X (Rated SENPAI), Gosick (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
Rating: KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Supernatural/Slice of Life
Why: You'll relate to the intuitive main character, the creative comedy of the show, and how most of the show's energy is spent on character-focused comedy.

Other Comedy Recommendations for INFJs: My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU (Rated KUN), Fooly Cooly (Rated HAKASE-KOUHAI), Soul Eater (Rated KOUHAI), A Certain Magical Index (Rated KUN)


INTJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted characters. The plot of the anime is the focus, and it's usually complex and full of twists and turns.

Name: Death Note
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Supernatural/Mystery/Psychological
Why: The show is a wild roller coaster with an intelligent cast of characters, what more is there to say?

Other Drama Recommendations for INTJs: Code Geass (Rated SENPAI),  Neuro: Supernatural Detective (Rated SENPAI), Fate/Zero (Rated SENPAI), Detective Conan (Rated KUN), A Certain Scientific Railgun (Rated KOUHAI), Black Butler (Rated SENPAI), Ghost Hunt (Rated KOUHAI), Psycho-Pass (Rated SENPAI), Un-Go (Rated SENPAI), Steins;Gates (Rated SENPAI)

 
Name: The World God Only Knows
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Romance
Why: A dissection of the romantic comedy genre, it stars an intelligent protagonist and offers a unique, engaging plot, as well as some genuinely hilarious comedy.

Other Comedy Recommendations for INTJs: No Game No Life (Rated KOUHAI), Log Horizon (Rated KUN), Kore wa Zombie Desu ka? (Rated SENPAI)

INTP (Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted characters, who overcome must overcome complex psychological and/or philosophical dilemmas. The world of the anime is as important as its plot and characters.

Name: Hunter x Hunter
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Action/Psychological
Why: This show offers a realized world with interesting characters. There are numerous fight scenes, but unlike other action shows they rely on logic and psychological tricks to win the day.

Other Drama Recommendations for INTPs: Neon Genesis Evangelion (Rated SENPAI), Time of Eve (Rated KUN), Black Butler (Rated SENPAI), Danganronpa (Rated KOUHAI), Ergo Proxy (Rated SENPAI)

Name: WataMote
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Slice of Life
Why: It's basically a long character study into the twisted psychology of an extremely anti-social girl. The way she perceives the world around her plays into the style of the entire show.

Other Comedy Recommendations for INTPs: Soul Eater (Rated KOUHAI), Blood Lad (Rated KOUHAI), Ouran High School Host Club (Rated KUN), Baka and Test (Rated KOUHAI), Hells (Rated KOUHAI)


ISFJ (Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted characters, with an emphasis on an ensemble cast. The anime puts focus on the relationships between the characters.

Name: Summer Wars
Rating: CHAN
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Science Fiction/Adventure
Why: It's a movie with family and traditionalism at its core, and the concept is unique and fun.

Other Drama Recommendations for ISFJs: Silver Spoon (Rated KOUHAI), Steins;Gate (Rated SENPAI)

Name: The Eccentric Family
Rating: KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Slice of Life
Why: A show steeped in tradition and lore, with family as its number one focus.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ISFJs: Fairy Tail (Rated KOUHAI), Haganai (Rated HAKASE-KOUHAI), Bokura wa Minna Kawaisou (Rated KOUHAI), Silver Spoon (Rated KOUHAI)

ISFP (Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted, varied and artistic characters, with more focus on them than the plot.

Name: Mysterious Girlfriend X
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Romance/Mystery
Why: The quirky characters and the unusual nature of the romance is sure to intrigue.

Other Drama Recommendations for ISFPs: Michiko to Hatchin (Rated SENPAI), Cowboy Bebop (Rated SENPAI), Mushishi (Rated KOUHAI), Accel World (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: Daily Lives of Highschool Boys
Rating: HAKASE-KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Slice of Life
Why: It's a show full of imagination, fully realized characters, and it varies between subtle and outlandish humor.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ISFPs: Fooly Cooly (Rated HAKASE-KOUHAI), Kaichou wa Maid-sama! (Rated KUN)

ISTJ (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted, grounded and practical characters, where plot places an emphasis on clarity.

Name: From Up On Poppy Hill
Rating: CHAN
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Romance
Why: This Studio Ghibli film is full of hardworking, dedicated characters and displays a high attention to detail.

Other Drama Recommendations for ISTJs: Steins;Gate (Rated KOUHAI), Full Metal Panic (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: Bakuman
Rating: KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Romance
Why: The earnest, hardworking characters and the straight-ahead plot are key elements to this anime.


Other Comedy Recommendations for ISTJs: Shirobako (Rated KUN), Servant x Service (Rated KUN), Golden Time (Rated KUN), Comic Party (Rated KUN)

ISTP (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly introverted, practical characters, and focus more on action than sitting around talking.

Name: Michiko to Hatchin
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Action
Why: An introverted, practical character meets a volitional extrovert. Action and chaos follow.

Other Drama Recommendations for ISTPs: Yozakura Quartet (Rated KUN), Cowboy Bebop (Rated SENPAI), Black Lagoon (Rated SENPAI), Code Geass (Rated SENPAI), Attack on Titan (Rated SENPAI)


Name: Soul Eater
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Fantasy/Supernatural
Why: It stars a practical main character who is joined by a large cast of diverse and quirky people and spiced up through many creative action sequences.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ISTPs: Medaka Box (Rated KOUHAI), Kore wa Zombie Desu ka? (Rated SENPAI), Samurai Champloo (Rated KOUHAI)

ENFJ (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, imaginative characters, a with a focus on optimism and the value of friendship, (in other words, 90% of shonen appeal to you).

Name: Fate/Zero
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Action/Fantasy
Why: The ensemble cast offers variety and imagination, with various arcs relating to friendship, and it has at least one really extroverted character, who is worth watching the whole show for. Whether or not it's optimistic is contestable.

Other Drama Recommendations for ENFJs: Yozakura Quartet (Rated KUN), Cowboy Bebop (Rated SENPAI), Black Lagoon (Rated SENPAI), Code Geass (Rated SENPAI), Hunter x Hunter (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: The Devil is a Part-Timer!
Rating: KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Fantasy
Why: It stars extroverted, imaginative, and hardworking characters, and there's plenty of optimism to be found here.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ENFJs: Baka and Test (Rated KOUHAI), Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann (Rated KOUHAI), Yu Yu Hakusho (Rated KUN), Yowamushi Pedal (Rated KUN), One Piece (Rated KOUHAI), Blue Exorcist (Rated KUN), Agami Brilliant Park (Rated HAKASE-KUN)


ENFP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, imaginative characters who are full of creativity, and underneath it all is a layer of philosophy and deeper meaning.

Name: Baccano!
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Action/Noir
Why: There are plenty of extroverted characters to be found here, and the creativity and philosophy of the show is very engaging.

Other Drama Recommendations for ENFPs: The Wind Rises (Rated KUN), The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (Rated CHAN), Hells (Rated KOUHAI), Hunter x Hunter (Rated KOUHAI), Death Parade (Rated SENPAI)

Name: Fooly Cooly
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Fantasy
Why: It features many outlandish techniques and characters, who are enhanced by a deeper mystery throughout.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ENFPs: Skip Beat (Rated KUN), Lucky Star (Rated HAKASE-KUN), Kill la Kill (Rated SENPAI), D-Frag (Rated KOUHAI), The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (Rated KUN)

ENTJ (Extroverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted characters with powerful leadership qualities. The plots are full of twists and turns and the stakes are usually high.

Name: Code Geass
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Military/Supernatural
Why: Who doesn't want to conquer the world? That's what the protagonist of this mend-bending show sets out to achieve.

Other Drama Recommendations for ENTJs: Full Metal Panic (Rated KOUHAI), Cowboy Bebop (Rated SENPAI), Attack on Titan (Rated SENPAI), Death Note (Rated Senpai), Durarara! (Rated SENPAI)

Name: Agami Brilliant Park
Rating: HAKASE-KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Fantasy
Why: Equal emphasis is placed on leadership and comedy in this show filled with extroverted characters.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ENTJs: Full Metal Panic Fumoffu! (Rated KUN), Daily Lives of Highschool Boys (Rated HAKASE-KUN), Comic Party (Rated CHAN)

ENTP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, clever and imaginative characters, with plot taking a backseat to the world and ideas of the show or movie.

Name: Angel Beats!
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Comedy/Supernatural/School/Military/Concert/Sports
Why: An ensemble cast with multiple personalities and tragic back stories is wrapped in a show full of ideas that isn't always sure where to put those ideas. But it's a wild ride nonetheless!

Other Drama Recommendations for ENTPs: Neuro: Supernatural Detective (Rated KOUHAI), Darker Than Black (Rated SENPAI)

Name: Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun
Rating: HAKASE-KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: School/Slice-Of-Life/Romance
Why: A cast full of extroverted and varied characters and some of the most hilarious, bizarre scenarios you will ever see.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ENTPs: No Game No Life (Rated KOUHAI), My Neighbor Totoro (Rated CHAN), One Piece (Rated KOUHAI), Bokura wa Minna Kawaisou (Rated KOUHAI), Assassination Classroom (Rated KUN), Lucky Star (Rated HAKASE-KUN). Fooly Cooly (Rated KOUHAI)

ESFJ (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, traditional characters, with an emphasis on family.

Name: Spirited Away
Rating: CHAN
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Supernatural
Why: A whimsical, yet dark movie with it's own established mythology, and themes about family.

 Other Drama Recommendations for ESFJs: Whisper of the Heart (Rated CHAN)

Name: Toradora!
Rating: KUN
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: School/Romance
Why: An extroverted ensemble with a romance at its core.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ESFJs: Noragami (Rated KUN), Fairy Tail (Rated KOUHAI), Log Horizon (Rated KUN), Toriko (Rated KUN), Minami-ke (Rated KUN)

ESFP (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, enthusiastic characters who strive to help or find out about others. The premise is usually fun or sensational, but the focus is mostly on the characters throughout. The style of the show tends to be unique and interesting, with a wide range of colors.

Name: Samurai Champloo
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Comedy/Fantasy
Why: Most of the characters are trying to help one character accomplish her goal. The style is also very unique, and the show's outlook is ultimately optimistic.

Other Drama Recommendations for ESFPs: Cowboy Bebop (Rated SENPAI), Attack on Titan (Rated SENPAI), Medaka Box (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Action/Mecha
Why: Full of action with a unique style and extroverted characters. Common themes are friendship and helping others.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ESFPs: Toriko (Rated KUN), Space Dandy (Rated SENPAI), One Piece (Rated KOUHAI)


ESTJ (Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, practical, organized characters to are trying to establish order in a chaotic world. Plot is the focus.

Name: Witch Hunter Robin
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Supernatural
Why: The setting is grim and grounded, and it stars a conservative character. The plot focuses on the characters dealing with multiple chaotic incidents in an efficient manner, (when they can).


Other Drama Recommendations for ESTJs: Death Note (Rated SENPAI), A Certain Magical Index (Rated KUN), Full Metal Alchemist (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: No Game No Life
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Fantasy
Why: In a fantastical world full of rules, the two main characters decide to play by them in order to conquer it.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ESTJs: Agami Brilliant Park (Rated KOUHAI), Noragami (Rated KOUHAI)

ESTP (Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving):

The anime listed here star mostly extroverted, energetic characters. The shows tend to focus on action rather than dialogue, and moves fairly quickly.

Name: Cowboy Bebop
Rating: SENPAI
Genre: Drama
Sub-genre: Western/Science Fiction
Why: A lot of time is spent on characters and action, and the plot clips along with only 26 episodes.

Other Drama Recommendations for ESTPs: Angel Beats! (Rated KOUHAI), Daughter of Twenty Faces (Rated KOUHAI)

Name: Trigun
Rating: KOUHAI
Genre: Comedy
Sub-genre: Action/Western
Why: The show has a fast-paced style and lively characters. Most of the humor is physical.

Other Comedy Recommendations for ESTPs: Baka and Test (Rated KOUHAI), Yowamushi Pedal (Rated KUN)


In case you're curious, I've watched all of the main recommendations listed above except Azumanga Daioh, and enjoyed all of them, (at least enough to put them on the list), so take these personality types with a grain of salt. In case you were wondering, my score was "INTJ", which is probably right, as that was the easiest category for me to come up with examples for.

I'm aware that there aren't too many shoujo (anime aimed at girls) on the list. That's because I've only seen two, Maid-sama and Yuru Yuri, and my knowledge extends only to Skip Beat, Love Live, Kamisama Kiss and Fruits Basket beyond that. However, I intend to try those shows in the future, and expand my palate as well as this guide.

~  T H E  B I G  T H R E E ~

One of the most important things to know going into anime is that there are three shows that have dominated the industry for the past several years. They are:

Hori-san to Miyamura-kun

Mushishi

 

and

The Tatami Galaxy

Ha ha, just kidding. It's One Piece, Naturo and Bleach.

The shows that everybody in the anime world has tried at least once!

These series are all shonen, which means they're full of action and friendship, and they also all have seemingly endless filler arcs and episodes that don't serve any purpose. Basically, if you want to watch one, it'd better be for the characters because the plot gets stretched so thin there's no point in caring about it. The Big Three is the anime community's other big discussion. The general attitude is that these shows are about quantity rather than quality. I've only seen two, Bleach and One Piece. Of those two, One Piece held my attention longer. It has both comedy and characters going for it, which Bleach has little to none of.

Bleach mostly seems to be concerned with being cool, but its definition of "cool" is getting sliced across the forehead with a sword and standing and talking to your opponents for half an episode before attacking them. Each fight kind of had a same-y feel, with the "run past each other and double over" cliché appearing again and again. I've heard people complain that the first season isn't very good, and that the season afterwords, commonly referred to as the "Rescue Rukia" arc or the "Soul Society" arc, is the "best arc in shonen". I have to disagree on that point. The first season explored character and plot mechanics, with themes about death and loss. It moved fast and established the rules of the universe in a pretty fun way. The arcs afterwords are drawn out too long to be enjoyable to me, and I hate battles where there seems to be no thought behind the action. On the plus side, the animation is better than the other two, and it has a cool atmosphere to it.

~ W R A P - U P ~

This blog isn't going to turn into an anime blog from here on out. Most of my thoughts on the subject were in this post. The blog's main focus is still animated films and action films and the problems I had with them.

Anime is a huge world, and it's a world worth spending time in. Hopefully my guide helped point you in the right direction. In case you were wondering, these are my favorite anime, (so you can watch out for favoritism in the list):

1. Daily Lives of Highschool Boys

2. WataMote

3. The World God Only Knows

4. Baka and Test

5. Death Note

Now if somebody would only make a Slice of Life/Mystery/Comedy. That would be something I'd definitely enjoy.

Guardians of the Galaxy Assessment

Look, it's the obscure Marvel characters everyone was waiting for - The Thunderbolts!

I was waiting until the hype had died down and the pop-hating hipsters had begun to crawl out of the woodwork to write this review, because, you see, I didn’t enjoy Guardians as much as everyone else.

Maybe I’m not a space adventure type anymore. I loved Star Wars: The Clone Wars, but that phase is over. One of the problems with that series are its characters, I just never came to like them, and in the end, it was more about watching the animation than being impressed with incredible storytelling. The same is sort of true for Guardians.

This is a spoiler blog, ridden with spoilers about absolutely everything I talk about, but for the sake of those people who do nothing but complain that “you spoiled it”, spoiler alert.
Speaking of, quick rant here. If knowing just one plot twist ruins the entire movie for you, then maybe it isn’t such a great movie. That’s what I think about it. On the other hand, I’ve had some pretty shocking non-spoiled surprises in my experience, and I admit they were fun, but usually they occurred in shows or movies that already had tons of twists and turns, (Death Note, Men In Black), so if I’d known in advance it wouldn’t have “ruined” it completely.

But back to Guardians.

The movie is just average for me. It’s a nice day at the theater. Most people liked it, I’m not saying it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen in a theater, (that award goes to Cat in the Hat, which I walked out on).
So, let me clarify that I don’t hate this movie, I just don’t think it’s great, and it’s pretty low on my ranked Marvel movies. Here’s another “controversial” opinion of mine: I think Iron Man 3 was better. I’ll save that explanation for a later section of this assessment.

My status before reviewing: hungry, honestly. I had a bowl of rice for lunch around 2:30-ish and it’s 5:41 PM currently. That might either make me more negative about the movie, or give my “witty” remarks some extra bite. Oh, and I should mention… by this point you may have noticed, (you don’t care, who am I kidding), that I don’t put a synopsis of the movie in my review. That’s because it’s essentially review filler. Most of the people reading reviews just want a few short sentences, to tell them what to think, in a non-spoiler-y way. Those people aren’t supposed to be reading these. My assessments explore how I feel about movies in great depth, often to explore an opinion I have that most people don’t, and as such, they tend to be negative, although there are a few movies I love that everyone, (mostly movie critics), seem to hate, like National Treasure. (What? He likes that crap and not Guardians of the Galaxy?! Screw his opinion! Hey, I haven’t said my opinion yet, pretend parenthetical opposer! Shut up.)

So here it is: my Guardians of the Galaxy review.

~ T H E  P L O T ~

The best part of the movie is the opening, where, yes, a cheesy death bed scene takes place that I and everyone else has seen too many times. But, being the sensitive person I am, I shed a few tears, wiped them away, stuck them in this tiny jar I always carry with me, and continued to watch the rest of the movie.

Can somebody please explain to me what makes this plot passable, especially for a modern movie? It’s a MacGuffin Quest, basically. Every RPG has one. It’s a lazy way to throw together a reason why your characters should interact. And that’s where the problem starts. You see, GOTG doesn’t have a very good villain, which can be said about a lot of Marvel movies, (cough cough Thor 2 cough). You might say, “Well, The Avengers had a MacGuffin Quest plot, and a great villain, so clearly the plot has nothing to do with how bad the villain was!”
Let me correct you, hypothetical person who I created simply to make a point, The Avengers actually wasn’t a MacGuffin Quest. True, everyone was after the Tesseract in the beginning, but they actually managed to get it before the movie even really started! It was, in actuality, a Fake-Out MacGuffin Plot.
For everyone who already knew this, I’m only mentioning it because I think the reason why Ronan was such a thin bad guy was because the movie never stopped being about the MacGuffin. If the focus had shifted to Ronan as the goal instead of just an obstacle to the goal, I think he would have had a stronger presence.
“Aren’t villains supposed to be the obstacle to the hero’s goal, though?” you could ask, if you’d thought of it, (I really need to invent a better way to present these counterarguments).
Simply put, no. ANTAGONIST and OBSTACLE are separate, though similar. Obstacles are just small distractions from the goal of the hero, and almost all the time, defeating the antagonist IS the goal, and victory over them results in a feast.
By the way, I hate that trope. You killed or locked someone away, time to celebrate! Yeah, that rarely ever happens in real life. I don’t remember a special parade or White House dinner when Osama Bin Laden was killed. Actually, here’s a quote from Yahoo! News about it:

"I hardly think you've seen any excessive celebration taking place here," Obama said at the news conference with Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda. His voice was taut and his smile thin.

Yeah that trope needs to be killed off, (but remember not to celebrate afterwords).

Sorry, I tangented again.
Guardians manages to somehow twist its MacGuffin plot into a “villain loses, all is saved” scenario at the end, but it wasn’t in time to save itself from all the plot contrivances.
But, lest I get caught up in pointlessness as usual, this movie isn’t actually about Ronan, or the big MacGuffin, it’s actually supposed to be about the characters, tying them together in a way that makes sense. Guess I’m the only one who can only have it two ways: Great Plot Great Characters, or Bad Characters Great Plot. I’m sorry, but I just can’t tolerate Great Characters Bad Plot. That’s one of the reasons The Addams Family Values is, at least to me, a better movie than The Addams Family, though those characters are SO great that it’s hard to find a plot that would be so bad even they couldn’t save it.
You know what? I’ll be forgiving. I’ll give the plot a pass. This movie doesn’t care about the plot, why should I? It doesn’t care about its throwaway villains, like the Collector, Thanos, and Gamora’s alien sister, so never mind me caring about them. This movie wants me to pay attention to its main characters, all five of them. So let me do that instead.

~ T H E  C H A R A C T E R S ~

Star-Lord: Something seems really off to me about Star-Lord, (more on that in the Humor section of the review). He’s supposedly incompetent, yet he manages to get from point A to point B with hardly any trouble. He’s supposedly a ladykiller, but we don’t ever see him make a pass at Gamora, (or did I miss something? I’m not counting the heartfelt on the balcony, it wasn’t shallow enough for a ladykiller type of character, and if his arc was that he was overcoming his ladykiller ways, it certainly wasn’t an arc with a conclusion). He’s written like a swaggering Jack Sparrow, no-cares, just in it for the chuckles, tough guy, but Chris Pratt plays him like a sitcom dad. I’m pretty sure the casting choice was more of a “that guy’s relevant right now, and we can’t have a no-name in the starring role” type of thing or a “eh, it’s not what I imagined but let’s not deliberate too much over it and just cast him” type of thing than a “his performance blew me away with its accurate depiction of what was in my head when I wrote this part” type of thing. I’m the only one who brought up Chris Pratt’s acting as a point of inconsistency, at least in my conversations about the movie with my friends, so this may just be nitpick-y old me. But hey, I liked Pratt in The Lego Movie, so maybe it’s actually just a problem with the script.

Drax: Best character. He hits one note over and over, but it plays a sweet enough tune. I wasn’t looking forward to another Hulk Smash type of character, and I was actually surprised by the stereotype reversal, mostly because I’d stayed away from clips and new trailers, to keep from being spoiled, (yeah yeah I’m a hypocrite, sue me).

Gamora: The movie didn’t give me a reason to like this character. Her personality is this universe’s idea of normal, just completely bland most of the time, except when she’s fighting, which is almost never. Because the villains were pushed to the side, her sister never got to properly establish a conflict with her, and the fight between them was full of fast cuts and shaky cam, so I couldn’t even get a nice action scene out of it.

Rocket: Uh, wasn’t Rocket Australian? Whatever. Yeah, Rocket’s fine. There’s that nice scene of him at the end where Drax pats his furry little head. But he’s really much better when he stops talking, at least for me. He has kind of a “I’m sarcastic” tone that needed to be punched up with more aggression to sound like the Rocket I know and love, at least for me. That reminds me of another problem with this movie. These guys are supposed to be bounty hunters and assassins, right? So why does it never seem like they’re genuinely bad guys? Being an assassin is a BAD thing, right? It would’ve spiced up Rocket or Gamora a lot if they’d randomly killed someone during the movie just to get a bounty.

Groot: There’s a sort of irony in a character who’s written out of the dialogue scenes so much that they never have to say anything at all, but still constantly repeats the same line over and over, possibly just to annoy everyone watching. Yes, its redundant and lazy. I give it a pass. The main problem with Groot is that he’s Hulk, the original Marvel “brute with a heart” type of character. This makes him pretty average as a character to me. I might’ve laughed once or twice at his antics. I definitely cringed once, as I will explain in the “Humor” section.

John C. Reilly: Why bother putting his character name, he’s playing himself. He really doesn’t fit in this universe. Maybe just a quick cameo would’ve been better?

Glenn Close: That wig is kind of ugly, but she should be glad to have it on, because her character wouldn’t have made an impression without it.

The Dealer: Why did this guy have more screen time than the Collector?!

The Collector: The best part of the movie is just used as an exposition dumping vehicle. Sigh.

That Alien Guy With The Flute: Who is that guy again? He’s tolerable enough, but sometimes he really annoys me.

~ T H E  H U M O R ~

I'm mostly fine with the humor in this movie, but it's a mixed bag, and that bag includes "cutesy humor", which I find uncomfortable and unfunny. It won't surprise you, therefore, to learn that I didn’t like Dancing Groot, which actually feeds into my dislike for the movie in general.

SIGHHHHHHHH... just tell me when it's over...

Dancing Groot toys, puppets, clips etc. keep cropping up everywhere like it’s the most amusing thing in Guardians, and it really isn’t. The movie’s sense of humor, even when it isn’t laugh out loud funny, is mostly subtle and character-based. I didn’t think the robotic leg joke was “hilarious” or “brilliant”, but I could appreciate it in a way that I can’t appreciate Dancing Groot, or Groot in general.

Oh, and Howard the Duck is awesome. Go read some of his comics!

~ A  F I N A L  S U M M A R Y ~

"What is the verdict, oh wise Sadly Thoughtful?"

My final thoughts on the movie are this: It’s a movie that no doubt took tons of work and creative decisions, but the work and creativity was all focused on making witty banter, which makes most of the scenes come off to me as “trying too hard”, and because the plot and main conflict of the movie isn’t there, it’s just this big shallow shell of a film, just barely holding up on its visuals and occasional wit alone.


That said, I think that the movie ultimately succeeds, in a purely calculative fashion. The humor echoes past Marvel films, through the “Puny god” wannabe moments strung throughout, and when it isn’t riding on sarcasm or random dance moves. The film tries to set itself apart from the others in Marvel’s Cinematic Universe by being “the weird movie”, the one with the 80s soundtrack and the obscure characters that were never given any depth to begin with in the comics. The problem with the obscure character angle is that for the most part, audiences everywhere just see these movies as “superhero” movies, not “Avengers” movies or “Iron Man” movies. Heck, even I didn’t REALLY know anything about Iron Man, even after his first movie came out, and I’m a massive nerd in all other respects. So basing all the movie’s uniqueness on the assumption that people thought Marvel was taking a risk was a mistake. Marvel has done nothing but take risks, on all its movies, just because of the fact that at least 50% of the people going into the movie don’t know anything about any of their characters, let alone Guardians. If the movie had tried to take even more risks, maybe a controversial politically charged line from one of the characters, a less in-your-face plot, or just one really morbid joke, I would’ve liked it more. The movie wants to be smart, an above average romp with unique characters, but it isn’t smart. It’s just a simple MacGuffin plot with at best two dimensional characters, and at worst total rip off characters, (watch the Honest Trailer for the film and it becomes pretty obvious who the Guardians are ripping off).

Exactly.

“Fun”, apparently, is a good counterargument to all my above complaints. I’ve heard a lot of people say they had fun at this movie. Good for them, but what makes this movie any more fun than Edge of Tomorrow, which was my favorite comic book film, (technically manga film), this year? And for me, Edge of Tomorrow just comes off as more genuine, smarter, and actually a bigger risk, because it’s based on a foreign property nobody had heard of, and was mostly just banking on its plot and star power to carry it at the box office.
I know some people didn’t like that film, but even if you didn’t, you can’t deny that a decent amount of energy was spent on the plot.

But what you were probably waiting for, (who am I kidding, you don’t care), is my comparison to Iron Man 3, and why I think that movie is better. In a word: “risks.”

Iron Man demonstrates how naturally cool he is, without even having to blow things up.

Iron Man 2 was panned by everyone, and yes, it’s pretty bad, except for a few funny lines from Whiplash and that car chase action scene, which I thought was pretty cool. It was a risk to assume people would even watch more Iron Man. And of course, then there was the twist in IM3. Now THAT was a risk! I respect Iron Man 3 for being brave enough to ruin a character just for a plot twist, (and a pretty funny joke if you stop being angry about it for a second). Even if it sucks for fans of the character, it at least makes the movie a controversial issue, so nerds have something to talk about after the movie. Guardians doesn’t offer much to talk about, unless you count “Remember that joke that was funny?” as a good discussion starter.
Aside from that, IM3 keeps the witty banter light when it needs to be, and it’s almost always delivered with impeccable timing, thanks to Robert Downey Jr. The plot wasn’t great, but it wasn’t a MacGuffin fetch quest either. I had a cold the day I saw it, and even that didn’t stop me from enjoying the movie. So, for me, IM3 is better than Guardians, at least in pure entertainment value, which, let’s be honest, is the only thing a Marvel movie sets out to accomplish.

~ M Y  B I A S  ( A . K . A .  T H E  H Y P E ) ~

Believe it or not, I do not hate fun, or admitting that I have fun. It’s just that at this point, I’ve seen so many television shows, so many movies, and absorbed so much content that there’s very little that surprises me.
And so, for at least one full day in the past, I was really excited about seeing Guardians of the Galaxy.
I was caught up in it’s new-ness, how obscure the characters were, without really thinking it through. I didn’t think the trailer was especially funny, but there’s a rule I have when it comes to movie marketing: 90% of the movie isn’t properly represented by the advertising. Case in point: Tangled (made it look like a really stupid, unfunny movie), The Incredibles (oh god have you seen the main trailer for that? Ghastly), Non-Stop (made it look like a thought provoking thriller).
And so, I allowed myself to be excited. Then, the day came, I saw the movie, and… I couldn’t talk at length about it. There was nothing interesting to discuss, except all the ways in which it didn’t work.

So there you are.
Agree? Probably not, looking at the Rotten Tomatoes score for this movie. Disagree? Most likely, as that’s been the direction things have gone when I’ve posted my opinion in public forums.

Whatever you think, I hope the second movie takes bigger risks. And also that eventually one day Marvel will make a Black Widow movie.

PS: I didn’t like Dark Knight either. This review by Sasha Arijanto pretty much sums up all that I'd say about it, except for the part about liking Lana Del Ray. I also liked Spider Man 3. That pretty much covers all of my controversial opinions about superhero movies. Please note that if a movie really clicked with me in some unexplainable way, then I would consider it a good movie, bad points aside. Guardians didn't manage to accomplish that. Hopefully the sequel will!

Looks Like You Missed One

This is the list of people who made it out of last year alive. The others died in mysterious, unexplainable ways.

Ha ha ha, okay seriously, where's The Lego Movie?

Why did it have to be five nominees again? This was a great year for animation. Just look at what squeezed in – they're all great movies. Mostly. And sort of.

Yeah, this is really bothering me. When something bothers me, I rant about it in a long, long post. Freedom of Speech, blah blah. And so, I am proud to present...

SADLY THOUGHTFUL:

HIS

True Chronicle Hiftorie of the Incredible Snubs that stained Oscars 2015

(spoilers incoming)

CODEX I: A Case For Why The Lego Movie Deserved The Nomination

Out of all the movies I saw this year, easily the best one for me personally was The Lego Movie.
I plan on watching Kaguya and Song of the Sea, but I don't think my opinion will change after viewing them. Kaguya looks very artsy and whimsical and sad all at the same time, which is great but not usually something I can say I had "a good time" at. Song of the Sea also looks awesome, but most likely suffers from the same problems I had with Secret of Kells, which is that it looks very pretty but the plot is forgettable. I'll just have to see though.

What? This is from the first movie? ...Same difference.

HTTYD2: What groundbreaking thing did this movie do, exactly? Oh no, they killed someone in a children's movie aimed nearer to teenagers! Look, there's a female warrior character who is also a mother! I'm not complaining, but these things aren't new. Lion King already effectively killed off the main character's father in a children's movie years ago, and there are dozens of other similar examples. Check out Legend of Korra if you want to see a female warrior mother, actually grandmother at that. What else did we get? Toothless does more cute things. There are more dragons. The characters look slightly different. The script doesn't suck. Again, not complaining, but it's not a great movie by itself, and especially when you compare it to the first one, it just seems like the first one did it better.

Some people have a mother and a father, some have two fathers, some have two mothers, some have one parent, and some have trolls. Uh...

The Boxtrolls: I haven't shared my thoughts on this yet, which is a good sign. I'm not "Sadly" Thoughtful for nothing, as I usually only talk about my negative reactions to a movie. And yes, I had basically no problems with The Boxtrolls. The Boxtrolls themselves do kind of irritate me, but less than I thought they would. The villain is one-sided, but they picked the most interesting side. It actually really surprised me with how much funnier it was than I thought I'd be. If I had any problems with it, it would be that the main character Eggs is pretty bland for a person who grew up in a hole. I was expecting more of a quirky Mr. Fox-type weirdo who would go off script or just make a big mess in general. But whatever, thumbs-up. The reason I don't think this should win is... well, actually I do think it should win. The Oscars really failed in 2009 when they didn't give Coraline the award. This is the year they should correct that mistake.

"Pointy objects? What are pointy objects? They apparently do not exist in my animated universe."

Big Hero 6: I'm honestly completely at a loss as to why this was nominated. It has a cute robot, yes, great, WALL-E already won an Oscar. My thoughts on this movie were basically all summed up in my assessment. It's a good but not great, thinly plotted, fun movie. So basically, it lacks everything The Lego Movie had.

"Yeah! Yeah! I'm awesome too, 'cause... I was nominated with all you guys! 'Everyone gets Oscars! Everyone gets Oscars when they're part of a team!' ...Right?"

The Lego Movie was a real surprise for me. I went in expecting a toy commercial, and what I got was a toy commercial, but one of those really, really fun ones that you watch over and over. It's just so packed full of energy and fun and then, at the end, a real purpose. It looks great, it's sometimes hilarious, and there's no fabricated heart to be seen – just the genuine article, (take a hint HTTYD2).

If I have to thank the Oscars for anything it's that they didn't nominate Book of Life. Looks like you dodged yet another rant this time.

CODEX 2: The Prediction

Alright, so previously I said The Lego Movie would win, and now that's not an option. Before that I said that The Wizard of Oz: Dorothy's Return would win, but that was one of my depressing jokes.

It's really up in the air this year, honestly I don't know. But I always assume the worst, and that's what I'll do.

WILL WIN: How To Train Your Dragon 2

Think about it. It's a bunch of old white guys. (And I'm not saying that in a general sense, the AMPAS is overwhelmingly old white guys, according to statistics published by the Los Angeles Times). Old white guys just don't "get" other cultures unless the film is really, really, really good, like Spirited Away, (which won in 2002). Just look at all the great animated foreign films they snubbed: Persepolis, The Illusionist, The Triplets of Belleville, Howl's Moving Castle, The Secret of Kells, A Cat in Paris, Chico and Rita, and most recently Ernest and Celestine and The Wind Rises. Also, they gave the 2010 award to Toy Story 3 instead of the first HTTYD installment, so now that basically the same movie has come along, they'll seize the opportunity since Pixar didn't make anything last year.

JUST MIGHT WIN: The Boxtrolls

I mean, they hit two birds with one stone with this one. It's interesting and fun, and a bit morbid, so of course I like it. It's also mainstream enough to not be too "obscure" of a win. Plus, LAIKA really deserves it. I haven't seen Song of the Sea, but if that wins, I'd be just as satisfied.

SLIM CHANCE: The Tale of Princess Kaguya

I just don't think Big Hero 6 is walking away with the Oscar this year. I don't feel like it's a better film than The Incredibles, which got the Oscar, and I don't think they'd give it to another animated superhero film, at least for a while. A lot of reviews I was reading mentioned the thin plot as well, so I think the only reason it squeezed in was its big heart and fun action scenes. Kaguya looks very visually groundbreaking and it has a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, which just makes me mad because I know it's probably not going to win.

My prediction is pretty useless, though, because in 2013 I was sure the Oscar would go to Wreck-It Ralph. I was more of an optimist back then, I guess.

CODEX 3: What's Wrong With The Oscars

Why did they even bother showing Keith Urban?! He's just there to make Nicole look better!

The Oscars – though shallow, predictable, egotrippy and full of crap – is a very fun experience for me. I watch it because there's always a moment, even in it's stupidest iterations, where I get inspired to keep making movies. And that's nice. Of course, then reality sends you a nice Oscar hangover the next day, and everything's back to being terrible, like it should be.

The worst part of the Oscars is easily the red carpet bore parade, where they send fake-looking people to "interview" fake-looking people. Most of the time is wasted on incredibly boring small talk about "how much fun" the Oscars is or "I just saw Jennifer Lawrence falling again!" Speaking of, last year Jennifer Lawrence tripping was such a big deal that they forgot to ask "Who are you wearing?" to everyone in eyesight. Oh no! My questions about famous clothing designers went unanswered!

The irony is, expensive clothing looks terrible on camera.

The second worst thing is how they no longer do those awesome opening montages. I'm hoping that will change this year. They didn't last year, and it was such a shame. Did they really think I was there for the awards ceremony?

The third worst thing is the speeches. They tend to bore me to tears, and the ones that don't are interrupted by the ad break. These people have as much to say as a director on a commentary track, and I'd appreciate it if they would just say "Thanks", walk off, and give the real speech on the Backstage Cam, for the people who care to see later online.

 THE ENDE

There you have it. What are those other nominees again? Ah... whatever, Boyhood will win.